With Father's Day approaching I wanted to take some time and post on how my heart went from having a hole...a rather gaping hole to a heart that is filled with love. When I was a young child in about 5th or 6th grade it was made known to me that my biological father did not want me. Those words "He did not want you" lingered in my mind and heart for most of my life. My mom was married to a man who adopted me and I love him dearly. He was not my Daddy. I believe that all children are born with a natural instinct to be loved by their mother and their father. Don't get me wrong, he provided for me and loved me as if I were his own; he was not the problem, the problem was how I felt about me. It was that same year that I started to smoke and from that point my life went downhill. I started using drugs and alcohol and had several boyfriends. I was always seeking for that hole to be filled. It is interesting because I have pictures of myself when I made my First Communion and my eyes are full of life; when I was confirmed at the age of 14 my eyes are filled with sadness.
When I got sober over five years ago I was forced to look at me; take away the drugs, alcohol and the other stuff I had no other choice but to look at me and it was very difficult. I had no self respect, no self esteem and was full of hurt that I had no idea how to express. I had created a whirl wind of problems, insanity and had no idea how to live a normal life...the pain that I have had to feel in order to overcome was very difficult. Any of you who have experienced emotional pain know what I am talking about.
Slowly as I began to build a relationship with God, that hole began to fill up. As it would fill up things would happen and I would act out in old behaviors and it would open right back up again because I would see me for being that scared little girl that her Daddy never wanted. Yes, my reactions to situations would cause me to feel that way all over again...why? Because I was not seeing myself as God sees me. I was not remembering that He would never leave me, nor fail me. I was looking for acceptance and approval from everyone, man or woman to make me feel good about me. I have learned that people are not perfect, I am not perfect. Until I was able to see my own imperfections and begin to nurture that scared little girl I was full of criticism and full of self-righteousness.
Today, I have a wonderful relationship with my Dad who adopted me; I love him more today than I think I ever did. I also have a relationship with my Biological Father; I have a sister and a brother that I did not know. I have a strong relationship with them. JR lives here and Amber is stationed in Fort Hood, Texas and has already done one tour in Iraq.
That hole is no longer gaping and as long as I remember to "take up my cross daily" (Taken from www.dailyspiritwalk.com) that hole will continue to be filled with the love of my Abba Daddy.
In Him
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